Why I Don't Have a Church, Even Though I Really, Really Want One. 

I love community. I love the idea of community, I love the messy, difficult reality of community, and there is nothing I would love more than a church community 

During the beginning of my call, the LORD gave me a task. The best way I can summarize that task is that I was to go out into my neighborhood and explore the churches that were around me. Bear in mind, this at the very beginning of my journey in my walk with the LORD. I knew next to nothing. To illustrate this, I thought that the Rapture, Judgement, the Tribulation, etc. were basically all the same exact event. So, I couldn’t know what the LORD was trying to tell me even if I wanted to. Which I did. 

That said, I made the effort to visit some churches in my area. I lived in Oakland at the time, and the first place that I went to was the Institute for Divine Metaphysical Research. I didn’t really know anything about it other than it was around the corner from the house and I thought it was a Church. I had two strange experiences with them. One in which I went to ask them for a Bible, and they gave me one but it was missing a whole bunch of pages. The second was running into someone from their organization, and he was wearing a google T-Shirt, which, at the time I took mildly personally since I had just had my google accounts hacked and I had to assume that any building next to me had at least the possibility of having something to do with it. 

Anyway, I was asking the guy about his church and why he chose it, and it was super strange because all of his answers mirrored precise experiences I’d had in like the last few weeks or so. So, that was unpleasant. 

I then visited another Church up the block from where I lived. It was located in an elementary school building at the time and they were raising money for their Church. For some reason, somehow, they’re always raising money for their Church. The Spiritual condition of American’s Christians is absolutely horrid (Self included) but they’re always raising money for the Church. Satan is advancing at insane rates, but they’re always raising money for the Churches. People are starving and homeless is pervasive in every major city in America (and especially in California) but they’re always raising money for the Churches. That was that experience. 

The next Church I went to, I don’t even know if it was on the Church entirely. It was kind of a MegaChurch in Oakland, at least the building was pretty large and there were a LOT of people there. I walked in and sat down, and shortly thereafter, a woman walked in and sat down in front of me and slightly to the right. It felt kind of like she was following me in, but I didn’t make too much of it. There was a point at which they asked if anyone wanted to speak, and I rose and I spoke and for some reason, I cannot remember what I said exactly. Probably because my thoughts at the time were a jumbled mess. However, I do remember that the woman who came in behind spoke immediately after me. And I will never forget what she said. Or at least what the meat of it was. 

What she said was that she was a part of a coven, and that she’d left that coven. She wanted us to know that Satan and his organization were several times more organized, prepared and powerful than we could imagine. That Satan was in our cigarettes, in our alcohol, in our weed, in our society. That the Church was in no way, shape or form prepared to deal with Satan’s army as it stands now. Sadly, this resonated with me at the time, because what I was dealing with, what I was experiencing had no explanation beyond the Bible and conspiracy theory. And as much as I was trying to seek help, I couldn’t really find it anywhere. 

After she finished speaking, an elder Black woman stood up and essentially rebuked her speech. However, what she said resonated with me, and I wanted to know more. I got her phone number and I left. We spoke probably twice. She told me a little about the coven she left and why she left it, that she had to give away pieces of her soul to perform magick and rituals and that she was tired of doing it. I don’t know that she actually was who she said she was, and I don’t think any of what she shared with me ended up being practical or useful for my actual walk with the LORD, but this is what happened. 

I believe that after that Church experience, I stopped looking for Churches in Oakland at that point. 

I soon ended up in Seattle, where I had experience with 3 different Church recovery programs. I will not name them, as I don’t have explicit permission to do so, and the point here isn’t to put them on blast in anyway. In fact, I don’t know that any of them did anything wrong here, per se. 

The first was a recovery program that was around the corner from where I was staying at the time. I joined the program, and moved in shortly thereafter. One of the overseers of the space had a freemason tattoo on his arm. At that time, I was learning about some of the darker elements of spiritual history in an effort to understand what I was experiencing. It is worth noting that that is NOT what the LORD told me to do. What he told me to do was read the Bible, but I’m stubborn and hard-headed and insist on doing things my way, so I did other things. And in doing other things, I stumbled across some of the perceived history of Freemasonry, etc. So, we had that conversation. Again, I don’t know that Pastor of that space did anything specifically wrong, but I did but heads with that overseer a few times and eventually ended up getting kicked out of that place. 

The next space I went to was a program that I was actually really enjoying when a new guy was brought in. One day I ended up in a warehouse working with this guy and we spent the day talking. He was kind of a psychopath. Or at least that’s how he presented at the time. I was talking to him about how I ended up in this space, and then he said if I was lying he’d kill me. Now, I've been in situations like this several times. Once that line was crossed, there were only a few places to go, and from there I was getting kicked out. The question was was I going to get kicked out for fighting or not. And while a great argument can be made for I should have fought, essentially the LORD just told me to move on. Which, I did. Painfully. Because I loved that place. I do remember one of the overseers saying to me, “Don’t let a man push you off your hill.” That is somewhat true, but it also necessitates a thing being your hill. This was not my hill. This was a stop. 

The next place I also very much liked, and the Pastor there was actually one of my favorite pastors ever. He was a really raw and honest kind of guy. Had a bit of an obsession with ministering to Muslims though for some reason. I had a series of strange experiences there as well. One of the overseers there referred to me as, “One of the good ones,” which, I don’t know how to interpret as anything other than racist. But that’s just me. There was also a temp agency up the street where we were told we needed to be everyday if we didn’t have a permanent job. So I was there everyday. 

I was sent to some very interesting locations that, in retrospect, I believe have some relationship to where all of this goes. One of the places was a glass recycling plant where apparently a lot of people convicted of sex crimes go to work because they don’t background check and the shifts are 16 hours resulting in pretty decent money. I worked there for about a day, had a very uncomfortable bus ride with one of my coworkers and never went back. One of the other places I worked was at a factory with a group of Seven Day Adventists. They did a lot of work for FEMA, organizing and shipping out floors for FEMA camps. Again, I feel like all of that is relevant. I was there for about a month, but eventually they let me go as I was in an unstable situation at the time and didn’t manage it well at all. 

My time at this recovery program came to an end when the LORD told me to walk back to the Bay Area. This is not an exaggeration or misstatement. That’s what I was told. I shared this with some of the people at the location and the Pastor came to talk to me. He asked me if I’d used any drugs and I think I said no. He then asked me if he tested me when anything showed up, and I said ‘weed.’ He then asked me why he had to say that, which he was right. He shouldn’t have had to say that. However, it didn’t change the overall point.  The command was still the command. There was then a vote on whether I could stay and for the most part, the vote passed, but the guy who thought that I was one of the good ones had to sign off on it in order to stay. He did not. At around 8am in the morning he came into my room and told me I had an hour to pack my stuff and leave. So I did. 

I then ended up at the Gospel Street Mission, and would eventually end up in AA. I hadn’t drank or done any drugs other than weed at that point, but I did end up quitting weed and working on my sobriety at that point. I would eventually end up in a sober living house, and after about a month there, deciding to come back to the Bay Area. 

My next run at a Church was interesting, because it was completely manufactured by circumstance. While in San Jose, I was planning on sleeping in a classroom overnight at San Jose State. I was smoking a cigarette next to the Event Center where they were holding a Christian Music Concert. I know this, because some one offered me tickets. I did not take the tickets, though maybe I should have. Shortly thereafter, a police officer asked me to put the cigarette out, and then ran my name through the system. I had a couple of warrants, and so I went to jail. I spent just under a week in jail working through my cases. While I was there, I went to Church. That Church has a housing program. So, when I got out, I went to meet with the people who ran the housing program. I ended up getting placed in a men’s shelter where I would spend the next year or so. I did attend the church a couple of times, but eventually it faded from my priority space. 

Following that, after the second round of Spiritual struggle, I went to the Church across the street from my house in Newark. I attended this Church a couple of times, and also went to the Church next to it as well. I didn’t feel connected to either church at the time, and again sort of fell off the Church wagon so to speak. 

When I got married, my wife and I agreed that we would look to find a church. For around two years, we did not do that. And then Medford happened. Directly after Medford, I looked for a church again and found one. I met with their Pastors at a coffee shop and would eventually come to their Church. I had three experiences with that Church that eventually led me to let it go. The first was the first time I went to that Church, I left with one of the wildest porn cravings I’ve ever experienced in my life. The best way that I could describe it is like that scene in the Matrix: Reloaded where there lady eats the cake with the code inside of it. We had some sushi there, and then after I ate the sushi and left, I had a porn craving that was out of this world. The second was when I was at a potluck at the church. The potluck was a lot of fun. However, when I got home I found myself violently projectile vomiting. That wouldn’t have been a bug deal except no one else had that experience. 

The third was when I was having a series of challenging experiences around the constant and consistent appearance of 666 in places that this shouldn’t be as often as it was appearing. It was a stream of appearances of the number I’ve never had before, although it’s pretty much a part of my life now. When I reached out to talk to the pastor about it, he listened well enough, although he didn’t offer any useful advice. He then called me later to give me an example of how he and his wife were trying to calculate how much they could make selling avocados, or something to that effect. He shared with me that in doing this calculation, the number .666 emerged. Now, I understand, on a surface level, what I think he was trying to do maybe. Just point out that the number .666 can emerge in nature however and wherever and it doens’t have to mean anything. Accept in the bible not only does it, like we’re specifically told to calculate its meaning as exercise in wisdom. So, that marked the end of my experience with that Church. 

There was another Church, connected to that Church we also started attending. In an effort to seek guidance on what I was experiencing I reached out to several parties of that church. Elders. Leaders of the recovery programs. Pastors. I love all of these people. They’re great people. But they’re advice on the situation, in no way, shape or form, matched the spiritual intensity that I was experiencing. One person asked me to do research on what 666 meant. I knew what 666 meant. That’s why it’s constantly showing up was freaking me out. How was that happening? Where was it coming from and why? That’s what I needed to understand. The group I was a part of suggested that I didn’t need to fear anything. But what I was expressing wasn’t fear. It was simply a reflection of what was happening to me and a sense of urgency around it. I shared my story in detail with one pastor, and shared some very personal things about myself. He wrote these things on a board, and then left all of those things up on the board for the meeting that he was having next. I did not see him take the things off of the board.

Additionally, when we had a conversation about spiritual warfare, he mentioned that the Church has never actually done a message on it, and he was going to start a series on it that week. While I didn’t attend the church that week, I did try and watch the sermon. The sermon began with MY story. Of course, he didn’t mention my name, but he was absolutely using the details of my story to paint a picture that spiritual warfare is real. When I went to talk to him about this, he kinda made it seem like I was overreacting to the fact that he used my story and didn’t ask me about it, but the truth is, I’ve been guilty of such things as well. In fact, I’m kinda doing it right now. So, in a way, I get it. However, the problem was that they was telling my story as an example of spiritual warfare, but there was no church organizing around said Spiritual warfare. No prayers, no scripture recommendations. Nothing. So, somehow my story was like the quintessential spiritual warfare, but said warfare warranted no response? 

Long story short, people are just being people. Again, to a degree, I get that. But harken back to the beginning of the story. To what the Holy Spirit told me to do, and to what the young lady in the Church said. The difference between what I’m experiencing from the Kingdom of darkness, and what I was able to get from his Bride is dramatic. Over time, that young lady has been proven exactly correct. And there is an important reason for that. 

Institutionally, Satan has more say in the Church right now than the LORD does. I know that is a horrible sentence to read and yet, can we say that we clearly see the power of the LORD working in the Church right now? Look at it? Look at its condition across the board. If the Anti-Christ rises right now, is the Church ready? If Christ returns right now, is the Church ready? 

This is not an excuse for neglecting the meeting of Saints. Again, I love meeting with the saints. Community is literally what I do for a living and what I’ve done for a long time. I want nothing more than a Church community. 

I just want a Church community that’s actually following Christ and not Satan in disguise. And frankly, that’s what the Holy Spirit wants for us all. A Church that GLORIFIES CHRIST on the precipice of his return. 

LORD, if I have misrepresented anything, spoken out of turn or miscommunicated a massage, please correct me. May the LORD have mercy on us all.